Closet.

Yes, I’m currently looking at a closet. It’s ugly, and empty as hell. Maybe worse. I’ve never been to hell, nor do I want to go there.

Lemme just keep it simple. The closet is not a closet. It’s not a table. It’s not a potato. It’s not really there. It’s a synonyme for what I want to say. For short: IT’S NOT REAL. It is just that I image it to be a closet, while it is not.

Then what is it? Yeah, you thought it would be that easy to just ask: “Pichu, what is the closet of yours that doesn’t exist in reality?”, which in my opinion is double because something that doesn’t exist can’t be real, so it doesn’t exist in reality. Right?

But yes. It is as easy as just asking me. It’s as easy as walking into Aperture Science and complete a few Test Chambers. Ok, no. It’s not THAT easy. I mean, a well thought out average Test Chamber is actually pretty difficult to solve. I’m not breaking windows here.

And yes, I’m not breaking windows. That’s just a saying. No, it’s not a darn English saying. It’s something I came up with. Yes, so it’s imaginary again. Not real. Just MADE IT UP.

Back to the point of this post: why am I writing about a closet that’s as empty as hell and does not exist? Has one of you ever…well…’studied’ my timeline from Twitter? Or done any research on Google? According to a promise of my good friend, I should’ve been known by quite an audience and yet that hasn’t happened yet.

What does a mouse have to do to get a promise forfilled?! Dance the Can Can?! Come on dude, I know you are reading this. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Or I’m going to tripwire something in your house and then you’ll be sorry. And in the worst case scenario injured. Which would be bad. So I’ll make sure there are pillows somewhere in a way you don’t see them but still trip softly.

…all right, so far my post. Questions?

Dear workers!

The past month I’ve seen a few of you using the restroom longer lately. By now 90% has realised who the ‘few’ are who visit the ladies restroom often. Right now the other 9% also understands what I mean, and the 1% left has now been officially fired. Yes Kate, I’m talking about you.

Let me remind you of what the restroom was invented for. It was invented as a room to produce dangerous toxins so anyone who entered would stay there very long or they would die an agonizing death. A normal human being can survive there for two minutes, which is pretty amazing - for a normal human being of course. Somehow you manage to stay there for ten minutes. TEN.

Because Cave is always concerned about his employees, he will send that group on a non-paid visit to the Aperture Science Abnormalities Department for a check-up. To give you some insight information: the chances of dying there by any unnatural or scientific way - that does include organ faillure or bone desintegration or swimming in steaming acidic water - is 94%, so don’t worry. You’ll be fine. The faster you are checked, the better.

Also I’ve decided to close the restroom for the upcoming three months to make sure it will be examinated and returned to the way it was.

Right. Get back to work and don’t forget to smile at Kate when you see her.

CAVE JOHNSON - CEO APERTURE SCIENCE

Good question! Now I have some free time to respond, so here I go.

Yes I do, but I’m always ready for a new challenge. I’ve earned a lot of money, learned a lot and had the opportunity to blow up some good stuff (mainly flower pots with lots of Repulsion Gel. Believe me, with the right substance it CAN blow). But yes, work is killing me sometimes. That’s not because I lack motivation, but my work days never seem to end except at 23:58. And one hour later it is go time. Lot’s of hot chocolate and sugar rushes keep me active.

I miss Nidoran, Elly and Chao a little…

Ok. It isn’t really worth mentioning since I am working for science (no I’m not, but science must go before your money my boss said), but here’s what I earn.

I was hired as an accountant and it earned me at least seven dollars per hour. Not much, I agree, but I work A LOT. I was given a second full time job as a scientist as well. That meant for short: my free time was cut to half and my salary went up…nothing.

That’s weird…actually, I should go ask the boss about this. I don’t think this is right.

Ok. So I work six days 22 hours and one day 13 hours. That’s 145 hours. Times seven, means I earn $1015 a week. Sadly, I can buy a lot with it in the US and not in Europe. Why’s that so bad? Well, I never actually go out of the Aperture Labs. It’s not that I have a house around the corner, so I’m not having that much of a choice.

Ok. Back to the dollar VS euro thing. One dollar is

0.769822941

euro. Now that means my 1015 dollar is worth

781,37

euro. That isn’t bad, I know. And I’m hired now for a month, so I should have earned €3125,48 by now. But the hot chocolate is €3,- and I take at least six breaks a day except one day, that’s three times…that’s minus €135,-. I have to buy my own food using that delivery service. I buy big, at least a bunch of apples, steak, etcetera…once a week, around €100,- + €7,50 service (why is it so DARN expensive?!) and I send half of what I earn to the Netherlands to make sure Nidoran, Elly and Chao won’t die of hunger and to make sure they can fix any window they break by accident during soccer or something dull…so that’s minus €390,69…and then we have something called ‘taxes’…minus one hundred again…

Leaves me €48,18 once a week. So I’ve collected about €192,72 now for myself.

…seriously, wow. I REALLY need to check on my salary…I’m not earning much, even for science…